There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.