Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Running from your problems is cardio .
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…