Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Smooooooth
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.