Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
You Might Also Like
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
i prefer mine room temperature.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.