“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.


HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.


Stranger:So,you’re a parent?

Me: Yes,proud dad of a 5yo w/ special needs

S:cool, I’m sort of a parent too, 2 dogs and a cat

Me:…. Nope


My ex and I would role play from time to time. She would dress up as a teacher and call my mother to tell her that I ate the Crayons again.


I think my eyes are playing tricks on me. *my eyes hide a whoopie cushion behind my skull*


I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.


When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.