“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.