Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”