@robin_991

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

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@Furry_Beaver

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.

@Jenny4ashley

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

@BridgetPhetasy

In Hell, all of your Google searches post directly to your social media accounts.

@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

@gobmentcheese

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

@desusnice

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

@WarrenHolstein

If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@ilovepie84

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.