HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”