Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!