“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
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I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.