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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone


what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????


I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.


The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.


My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.


[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows



*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”


Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.


I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.