why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
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what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.
Then I remembered he’s imaginary.
So I’m good.
The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.