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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live