@madamezooble

Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?

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@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

@SingleVicky

I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.

@attsmcjay

The sun will come out tomorrow, and unfortunately so will other people.

@House_Feminist

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

@sarcasm_inc

*pulls back your shower curtain*
What did you mean by “creepy”

@smerobin

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

@skittle624

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.