“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Natty or not?
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.