I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
so i’m at the stock market right
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
This is why I hate group projects
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My apartment is a mess, I should move