Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

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look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved


I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.


Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.


[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?


My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.


One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm


Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No


“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
(Nailed it)


Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.