Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
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When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
What my back needs
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am: