@marinhubka

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

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@ryanyeetz

look for the boy with the broken vape, ask him if he’ll be your escape, and he willllll be loooved

@mela_shea

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

@1_swarthy_dude

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

@KissabiX

[during sex]

Me: yeah, you like that?

Him: mmhmm yeah

Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?

@doktorj

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

@MissyMooMorris

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@AudreyPorne

“Are you on Facebook?”

“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)

@LizHackett

Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.