Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell