Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*screams as police dog takes me down.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.