Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

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Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?


It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in


STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.


“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.


DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.


Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party


[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible


Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016


8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course


Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.