Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants