Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
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[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Tremendous stuff
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.