Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:

Bruce Killis

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Lmao

Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

[NASA job interview]

Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!

Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.

Interviewer: Get out.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

How all things should be taught/explained.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito