What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
You Might Also Like
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday