The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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The glockness monster
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.