@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

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@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@grammar_c**t

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

@RichardDreyfuss

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

@filthyson

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

@droidbears

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

@othersome

I’m not the hero Gotham deserves. I’m Pete I work at Subway. Do u want extra meetballs.

@abhorrent_wife

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.