@DaHess1

Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..

*70 million white women turn around*

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@KMoFlo_official

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

@SoVeryBritish

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

@JasonIsbell

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”

@WritingWilkie

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

@CatherineLMK

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

@YourPrincess_L

Relationship status

I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.

@caseytduncan

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.

@threetimedaddy

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

@chuuew

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

@luvmyADHD

When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.