I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Hey you with the Uggs, Michael Kors bag, iPhone, scarf and super excited voice..
*70 million white women turn around*
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Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I just caught myself stroking my gear shifter in traffic.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.