Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
You Might Also Like
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.