Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
what’s more important?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]