“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
😂 amazing answer
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.