Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

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[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*


My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.


“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.


Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.


(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang


My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife


Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?


Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?


If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.