@Home_Halfway

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

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@BraandoCommando

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

@xLiserx

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@man_spach

“I’m sorry I could never do that for you,” said the cat sulking away after catching me on the internet looking at pics of cats in space.

@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

@bobvulfov

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

@T_Bonezzz_

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

@sliver_of

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

@mommajessiec

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

@SamGrittner

If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.