Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details
Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?
“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.