Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Venn
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?