@GrantTanaka

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

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@BoomBoomBetty

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

@lizzzzzielogan

CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi

@d1dynasty_

Guy : How did your date go?
Me : it was fine
Guy : Give me details

Me : I asked her out and she said “ew” but what she doesn’t know is ew backwards is we and we in French means yes, so we are dating now

Guy :

@dog_feelings

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

@HairyJew4Life

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn’t it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?

@ibid78

“WHAT?!” – a dinosaur that just found out what cars run on

@EdgarAllanLo

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.