I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
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Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.