[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.
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Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.