@clint_bing

Hi, ambulance? I think I’ve swallowed 3 scrabble tiles. Just an FYI.

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@Love_bug1016

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

@abaldguytweets

Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught

@Integrity_Guy

Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.

@thesulk

“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)

@MNateShyamalan

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

@realHamOnWry

Sometimes you’ll hate a person when you first meet because it saves time.

@AimeeHelene1

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

@primawesome

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.