Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I feel it
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!