If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you’re angry about oxygen and numbers.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
Pooh: There’s a rumbly in my tumbly
Pooh: There’s. A. Rumbly. In. My. Tumbly
Pooh: I’m hungry
Piglet: Say that then
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
When you look at Twitter’s trending topics, it’s a lot easier to understand why they have to write “Do Not Eat” on silica gel packets.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.