Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
You Might Also Like
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned