“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
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Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.