@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

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@LostFelicia

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

@3sunzzz

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

@DirtMcTurd

*kid finds Easter Basket

Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?

“What else you get?!”

A lasagna recipe..

“Great make dinner”

@GrillinChillin9

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

@DadandBuried

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

@evanR39

Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)

@amydillon

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

@GrillyJoel

[Kitchen]

*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*

ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.