HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.