i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
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Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
good for her
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister