Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
You Might Also Like
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.