Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
You Might Also Like
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
TRAIN’S HERE
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.