Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
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Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Ken is short for chicken
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it