hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.