@ch000ch

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

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@Dutch_50

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

@DadandBuried

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

@timdonakowski

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

@_alexwray

[couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I’d love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love

@Alex_Houseof308

Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.

I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed

@BillCorbett

Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.

Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.

Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.

@KylePlantEmoji

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@boring_as_heck

“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.