“Don’t get any ideas.” – Worn out light bulb
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
You Might Also Like
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[couple inviting me somewhere]
Why yes I’d love to accompany you as a third wheel, it is my most favorite of all the wheels, wheels I love
Been planning to buy this ram since, but I’ve been procrastinating. Now I just found out the farmer already sold the animal to one boats man.
I’m finally ready to buy, but that sheep has sailed
Deranged Extremist 1: We’ll drown 100 kittens.
Deranged Extremist 2: We won’t drown ANY kittens.
Cool Centist: We’ll drown 50 kittens.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?
Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant
B: what drugs are you on?
Me: good ones
“hey we use animals for literally everything else in our lives. lets use our feet for cars.” idiot flintstones. no wonder you’re extinct.