My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I have never related to a cat more
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.