@daemonic3

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

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@AndrewsNotFunny

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@imlaurenmcguire

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

@kwirkyKerri

*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.

@Ygrene

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

@Kyle_Lippert

Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”

@seanforhire

if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.

@schnooozle

[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no