“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

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Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches


I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.


I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.


wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them


*smacks you with my coloring book*

Wow. These coloring books really do work to relieve stress.


“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*


Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”


if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.


[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no