Live today like it’s your last.
But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
the hardest part about being bisexual is trying to remember if i’m supposed to have sex twice a week or once every two weeks
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Acronyms got me like WTF?