@CatherineLMK

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

You Might Also Like

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@juliacomedy

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

@TheSharona06

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

@gerryhallcomedy

There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.

@Cidisn

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

@seanfrom0nline

the hardest part about being bisexual is trying to remember if i’m supposed to have sex twice a week or once every two weeks

@thedadvocate01

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

@smerobin

My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework