Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dafloydsta

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?

@KevinFarzad

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

@Johngcole

Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead

@shkeeber

Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.

@armyVet1972

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

@lisaxy424

I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.

@Breadery

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

@iAmDelFreaky

I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.