You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
You Might Also Like
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.