@robfee

Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?

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@Darlainky

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

@andylevy

“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States

@rachelle_mandik

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@MUMSIEesq

SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.

ME: This is a service beer.

@Vodkantots

I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him

@NotthatAdamWest

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

@PoodleSnarf

When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire

@dirtyddixon

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!