Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?
You Might Also Like
“Guess I’ll turn on the news to see what the government is up to” – The President of the United States
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
SECURITY GUARD: You can’t bring open containers of alcohol in here.
ME: This is a service beer.
I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.
*runs after him
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!