Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.