@avainwordland

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

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@Mom_Overboard

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

@OllyiConic

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

@3_arbutus

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

@MikeDrucker

2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment

@LindseyEllison2

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

@vladchoc

Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.

@StarksWeek

“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.