“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”