“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Dear Lord..
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS