@HiddenPinky

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

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@FuckabillyRex

Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?

@TweetPotato314

me: babe come quick

wife: what?

me: just hurry

wife: no, it’s always something dumb

me: not this time

*wife walks into living room*

me: i put the dog in a suit

wife: i want a divorce

me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator

@drankturpentine

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

@Love_bug1016

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

@DannyZuker

“I did not expect to encounter so many snakes when I booked this flight!” #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue

@causticbob

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

@NerishaLakha

I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……

inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

@KylePlantEmoji

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

@pant_leg

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

@Jakexox

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.