Hey, babygirl, I have ten bucks and a BOGO coupon for McDonalds. Wanna come watch me eat two Big Macs?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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me: babe come quick
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“I did not expect to encounter so many snakes when I booked this flight!” #AwfulFirstDraftDialogue
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
“Can you describe your self in two words?”