Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.