Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
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Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.