Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

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Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL’d at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools’ jokes.



1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity


*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.


I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.


All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.


I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”


Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.


You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.


Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat